"Never get too high or too low." That's the advice many successful pro athletes try to follow. I am not a pro athlete. I am a fan. It is therefore my duty to ride to the tip top of every high and sink to the deepest depth of every low. For a Vancouver Canuck fan the last few months have epitomized the latter.
What would it be like if you went to work and for the eighth day (in a row, no less) you decide to poop on the floor. Your boss comes in and says, 'Listen, you. Your job is simple. You come to work, fiddle on the keyboard and try to go 7.5 hours without pooping on the floor. Yet everyday I come in here and the same thing: a big pile of steaming, hot shit. What do you have to say for yourself?"
You sit for a minute, ponder the last eight days and respond, "I see what you're saying. I know what I'm supposed to do. I did it before, just fine! But the crux of the matter is, sir. I'm lacking confidence." [split...splat]
It sounds stupid because it is stupid. I love to be an I-told-you-so, so I'll say it again. I knew when the Canucks signed the ancient Mats Sundin to a multi-million dollar contract that the guy would be an utter disappointment. He captained the Leafs, for chris'sakes! My concerns, when I heard that he was coming to Vancouver, were that he took such a long time deciding to play that his Vancouver teammates would question his desire to be there. I say that because if I was playing on that team, I would be like, "Took you long enough, you selfish prick."
As if that wasn't enough, he decides that at the ripe old age of 38, beyond-death in hockey years, all he requires to get back into shape is a three week stint at an LA gym. What an arrogant douche!
So, of course, he shows up, plays like a fat glory-days-clenching beer-leaguer and the Canuck front office rushes out with, "We've got to give him some time to regain his fitness." All the while, they continue to pay him millions and millions of dollars to glide around like our flippin' mascot on the ice.
On the radio today, various commentators chimed in with the same diagnosis: he's not moving his feet. He can't get to where he wants to go fast enough and ends up losing the scoring opportunity, giving away the puck or taking a lazy penalty.
When asked how he feels about the shape his legs are in, Sundin reported, "They're fine." Selfish, arrogant, and grossly self-unaware. No wonder. I was once on a team with someone like that and it was all I could do to hold in my rage. And no, I didn't play very well because of it.
Now by all accounts, I am not in that dressing room and have no idea what the team chemistry is like. But even from my distant vantage point, I can see that the arrival of Sundin has marked the beginning of a wave of losses from which the Canucks have yet to recover.
Team chemistry is a delicate thing. It only takes one dickhead to make you question your love for a sport you've been playing and loving for years. Seemingly minor changes can have great effect. For instance what about the goaltending shuffle that also precipitated the record-breaking losing streak.
When, star goalie and team captain, Roberto Luongo was injured and the team had to rely on backup, Curtis Sanford, collective nail-biting ensued. Sanford under-performed; the other backup being groomed for the future, Cory Schneider, came and went. Vancouver picked up another goalie from L.A., Jason LaBarbera, who after a couple good efforts fell back into his natural routine of sucking really hard.
So when Luongo was ready to return, the team faced a situation of one too many goalies. With an equal degree of inferior play between Sanford (popular with the team) and LaBarbera (acquired for a measly 7th round pick), the Canucks, in their infinite wisdom, gave Sanford the boot. Coupled with the disappointing arrival of Mats, is it any wonder they've been losing?
I have to say, up until the Vancouver/San Jose game, I wasn't too worried. Every team goes through a loss or two. But watching them leading the conference-leading Sharks for two periods by a goal and then seeing them retreat into their own end and not attempt any offence for fear of turning over the puck was simply sickening.
If I'm coaching a team who hasn't been playing very well and suddenly we're ahead and playing well, I'm going to do my best to encourage more of the same. What I wouldn't do, is undercut an already emotionally vulnerable set of players by saying, "It's not like you're gonna score again. Let's just stay back in our end and hope against hope that one of the top offensive teams in the league doesn't score."
So what happens? They score and score and eventually win the game. And now the team is officially in the toilet.
What does all this mean for the fans? It means that a whole host of atrocities have led us down the path to hockey hell for which none of us can help dig them out. It means that while you want to grab each player and management staff person and shake them really hard, you have absolutely no control over what happens. Your only course of action is to bear not-so-silent witness to the tragedy and gut-wrenching disappointment that is the Vancouver Canucks.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Dear Reader
I hate those Christmas show-off letters family members send around every year. They're always so full of shit and dripping with superiority and appeals for praise. Here's an idea. Save us all the saccharin headache and shove that lemon-burnt homemade paper somewhere the light of day will never touch it.
So I decided to write my own version. So without further ado, here's what happened to me this year (relax, if this doesn't make you feel better about your own life, nothing will).
Hey you,
Thanks for your letter updating me on the meaningless details of your life. Since you asked, here's what I've been up to this year.
2008 comes to an end in a little less than 24 hours and marks the end of a miserable transitioning year for me. At the start of January, I had recently finished working short term for a political party and was back at the public library shuffling magazines around in mind-numbing boredom.
In my over-eager ambition to do more (and earn more) with my life, I managed to obtain a permanent position at the aforementioned party in mid-February. It's been a relative successful change in that I had been going on twelve years at the library and desperately needed a change. However, I ended up leaving one extreme and jumping into another. While I don't regret leaving the library or taking a job earning significantly more than I was previously, I do regret that the job has reduced me to quivering rubble.
It's been stressful to say the least and while I have the confidence of my bosses, I realized rather quickly that I was in over my head. And so I started trying to make up for the lack of experience with a keen desire to try to do anything and everything that was asked of me. In an unstructured work environment, I basically was writing my own death certificate.
I've had the last few weeks off and looking back, there are definitely some good lessons to learn before I move on. I learned that I need to set boundaries for my workload and myself. Somehow, I had forgotten how to use the word 'no'. It's become pretty amazing to me that while I have no trouble telling strangers to F.O.A.D, I was unable to understand the scope of what I was agreeing to do on a daily basis. I was trying to keep up with the robots in my office who are perfectly content to spend 15 hours a day cranking out enough emails, reports and forms to choke a civil servant.
Hired consultants would later confirm to higher ups that I have been doing the work of 5 people. Unfortunately, this came after I realized that trailing behind me were the emaciated remnants of my social life and stress-induced bald spots. Seriously, this year, I lost chunks of hair.
That's what my ambition has wrought. Now I'm trying to take the positives from this situation and realizing that I absolutely have to put my foot down and not take on more than I can handle. That's a good lesson to learn. I'll take that.
The second lesson is that working in fundraising or politics is simply not for me. I care about politics and the issues in my community, but working behind-the-curtain is less about hope and change and more an exercise in frustration with mis-guided and mis-directed efforts. Oh, and douchebags. There are a ton of douchebags.
As I look forward to 2009, I hope to find meaningful work elsewhere. Work that would allow me to contribute to this blog more often. I hope to re-introduce myself to my friends and maybe bond with a few new people who think I'm neat.
And hi-fives, I need to get more of those.
As a treat for you, here's a little present from me to you.
Enjoy,
*P.S. if you send me another vomit-inducing about how awesome you are, you'll have to run and hide. Try Asia, I don't have the patience to find you amongst billions of people.
Douchebags of 2008
Sean Avery (NHL player, Vogue intern, GAP model)
- if that description wasn't enough to turn your stomach, this moron called a mini press conference before a game to talk shit about his former celebrity girlfriends who have moved on with other NHL players.
- currently suspended for 6 games and unlikely to return to the NHL
Stephen Harper (Prime Minister of Canada)
- won another minority government for Canada and after acknowledging the need for all parties work together, put together legislation to strip the parties of federal funding. Way to pave the way for cooperation in Ottawa!
- with behaviour like that, this guy is the type of person who comes over for dinner and then shits on your living room rug to say thank you.
Sarah Palin (gender-equality douchebag)
- is an explanation really necessary? I mean isn't setting the women's movement back several decades enough?
- if you need further evidence, this pretty much sums it up.
who else am I missing...?
So I decided to write my own version. So without further ado, here's what happened to me this year (relax, if this doesn't make you feel better about your own life, nothing will).
Hey you,
Thanks for your letter updating me on the meaningless details of your life. Since you asked, here's what I've been up to this year.
2008 comes to an end in a little less than 24 hours and marks the end of a miserable transitioning year for me. At the start of January, I had recently finished working short term for a political party and was back at the public library shuffling magazines around in mind-numbing boredom.
In my over-eager ambition to do more (and earn more) with my life, I managed to obtain a permanent position at the aforementioned party in mid-February. It's been a relative successful change in that I had been going on twelve years at the library and desperately needed a change. However, I ended up leaving one extreme and jumping into another. While I don't regret leaving the library or taking a job earning significantly more than I was previously, I do regret that the job has reduced me to quivering rubble.
It's been stressful to say the least and while I have the confidence of my bosses, I realized rather quickly that I was in over my head. And so I started trying to make up for the lack of experience with a keen desire to try to do anything and everything that was asked of me. In an unstructured work environment, I basically was writing my own death certificate.
I've had the last few weeks off and looking back, there are definitely some good lessons to learn before I move on. I learned that I need to set boundaries for my workload and myself. Somehow, I had forgotten how to use the word 'no'. It's become pretty amazing to me that while I have no trouble telling strangers to F.O.A.D, I was unable to understand the scope of what I was agreeing to do on a daily basis. I was trying to keep up with the robots in my office who are perfectly content to spend 15 hours a day cranking out enough emails, reports and forms to choke a civil servant.
Hired consultants would later confirm to higher ups that I have been doing the work of 5 people. Unfortunately, this came after I realized that trailing behind me were the emaciated remnants of my social life and stress-induced bald spots. Seriously, this year, I lost chunks of hair.
That's what my ambition has wrought. Now I'm trying to take the positives from this situation and realizing that I absolutely have to put my foot down and not take on more than I can handle. That's a good lesson to learn. I'll take that.
The second lesson is that working in fundraising or politics is simply not for me. I care about politics and the issues in my community, but working behind-the-curtain is less about hope and change and more an exercise in frustration with mis-guided and mis-directed efforts. Oh, and douchebags. There are a ton of douchebags.
As I look forward to 2009, I hope to find meaningful work elsewhere. Work that would allow me to contribute to this blog more often. I hope to re-introduce myself to my friends and maybe bond with a few new people who think I'm neat.
And hi-fives, I need to get more of those.
As a treat for you, here's a little present from me to you.
Enjoy,
*P.S. if you send me another vomit-inducing about how awesome you are, you'll have to run and hide. Try Asia, I don't have the patience to find you amongst billions of people.
Douchebags of 2008
Sean Avery (NHL player, Vogue intern, GAP model)
- if that description wasn't enough to turn your stomach, this moron called a mini press conference before a game to talk shit about his former celebrity girlfriends who have moved on with other NHL players.
- currently suspended for 6 games and unlikely to return to the NHL
Stephen Harper (Prime Minister of Canada)
- won another minority government for Canada and after acknowledging the need for all parties work together, put together legislation to strip the parties of federal funding. Way to pave the way for cooperation in Ottawa!
- with behaviour like that, this guy is the type of person who comes over for dinner and then shits on your living room rug to say thank you.
Sarah Palin (gender-equality douchebag)
- is an explanation really necessary? I mean isn't setting the women's movement back several decades enough?
- if you need further evidence, this pretty much sums it up.
who else am I missing...?
Where have you been all my life, lover?
Hello, HD Plasma TV and PVR.
Clear, precise, quick to respond to my demands.
You've brought Conan O'Brien's big orange head so alive, it's like he's sitting in my living room.
With 200-something channels, you never cease to bore me.
Now if only Lost would start already.
Clear, precise, quick to respond to my demands.
You've brought Conan O'Brien's big orange head so alive, it's like he's sitting in my living room.
With 200-something channels, you never cease to bore me.
Now if only Lost would start already.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
A Lesson for Bad Drivers
This is the latest entry on my life's list of near escapes.
After snagging some free tickets to the Vancouver Canucks game earlier this evening, I picked up my friend, Mel in a cab for a fun night of bawdy, bad-girl behavior. While exchanging quips in the back seat, I turned to see this car come out of his lane and ram into the side of our cab. While the impact was extremely loud, our very skilled driver managed to maneuver, minimizing the impact, and stop within inches of hitting a row of parked cars.
Once we stopped, we quickly surveyed each other for injuries. Confirming we were all fine, we got out of the car. The other driver and his passenger pulled over, got out of their car and started berating our driver for, get this, "not looking."
Yea, because driving straight in one lane can get a little tricky at times.
I decide to let the cab driver (let's call him Joe) deal with them. Five seconds later I changed my mind.
I couldn't help myself. Joe wasn't defending himself, so someone had to let these people know their bullshit wasn't going to get them very far. I understand that when you've done something incredibly preventable that endangers the lives of four other people that you may want to pass the guilt onto someone else. Being responsible for an accident is a really awful thing and I can understand if someone simply can't deal with the implications.
Having said that, these people didn't scale back the hostility but began getting more and more hysterical. It needed to stop. I walked up to them and took the only reasonable action I could: YELL REALLY LOUDLY AND WAVE MY FINGER IN THEIR FACE!
It needed to be done and since Joe was obviously distracted, probably trying to figure out how many days of work he was going to lose getting his car fixed, I figured I'd step in for the greater good and clarify the situation.
I made many valuable arguments that were clear, concise and included various re-enactments of how to shoulder-check and how to identify a douchebag (I gave them a mirror).
In the end, I have no idea how it turned out. We were late for the game and decided to walk the rest of the way so as not to miss the opening face-off. However, as a parting shot, I turned to Joe and said (very loudly for the benefit of all involved), "If you need me to explain to the authorities how these people nearly killed us or maimed us to the point of leading an utterly useless and unfulfilled existence, please give me a call."
After snagging some free tickets to the Vancouver Canucks game earlier this evening, I picked up my friend, Mel in a cab for a fun night of bawdy, bad-girl behavior. While exchanging quips in the back seat, I turned to see this car come out of his lane and ram into the side of our cab. While the impact was extremely loud, our very skilled driver managed to maneuver, minimizing the impact, and stop within inches of hitting a row of parked cars.
Once we stopped, we quickly surveyed each other for injuries. Confirming we were all fine, we got out of the car. The other driver and his passenger pulled over, got out of their car and started berating our driver for, get this, "not looking."
Yea, because driving straight in one lane can get a little tricky at times.
I decide to let the cab driver (let's call him Joe) deal with them. Five seconds later I changed my mind.
I couldn't help myself. Joe wasn't defending himself, so someone had to let these people know their bullshit wasn't going to get them very far. I understand that when you've done something incredibly preventable that endangers the lives of four other people that you may want to pass the guilt onto someone else. Being responsible for an accident is a really awful thing and I can understand if someone simply can't deal with the implications.
Having said that, these people didn't scale back the hostility but began getting more and more hysterical. It needed to stop. I walked up to them and took the only reasonable action I could: YELL REALLY LOUDLY AND WAVE MY FINGER IN THEIR FACE!
It needed to be done and since Joe was obviously distracted, probably trying to figure out how many days of work he was going to lose getting his car fixed, I figured I'd step in for the greater good and clarify the situation.
I made many valuable arguments that were clear, concise and included various re-enactments of how to shoulder-check and how to identify a douchebag (I gave them a mirror).
In the end, I have no idea how it turned out. We were late for the game and decided to walk the rest of the way so as not to miss the opening face-off. However, as a parting shot, I turned to Joe and said (very loudly for the benefit of all involved), "If you need me to explain to the authorities how these people nearly killed us or maimed us to the point of leading an utterly useless and unfulfilled existence, please give me a call."
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Grey's Anatomy fires Brooke Smith (Erica Hahn)
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. That's the first thing that went through my mind when I heard that ABC had fired Brooke Smith (Erica Hahn). They were apparently uneasy with the lesbian relationship between Callie (Sara Ramirez) and Erica. This is such bullshit. I had a bit of a breakthrough with this character last week. In the episode she had this great scene where she declares she's gay. Here it is.
Sometimes these monologues can sound so trite but she pulled it off so well. "I'm so so so gay! I am extremely gay." This woman is having a freakin' life-altering epiphany and they aren't going to dignify her character with an ending?
I'm so pissed I could spit nails right now. I knew this was going to be a disappointing TV season with the dearth of interesting new shows this year. But now we have to contend with the decent programs (making a valiant effort at a comeback, btw) basically lays a big turd on our collective faces.
Shonda Rhimes issued this statement:
"Brooke Smith was obviously not fired for playing a lesbian. Clearly it's not an issue as we have a lesbian character on the show – Calliope Torres. Sara Ramirez is an incredible comedic and dramatic actress and we wanted to be able to play up her magic. Unfortunately, we did not find that the magic and chemistry with Brooke's character would sustain in the long run. The impact of the Callie/Erica relationship will be felt and played out in a story for Callie. I believe it belittles the relationship to simply replace Erica with 'another lesbian.' If you'll remember, Cristina mourned the loss of Burke for a full season."
Dear Shonda Rhimes,
F*%k you and the gurney you road in on.
1. I would say that it neither "clear" nor "obvious" as to why this character was let go in such a disgraceful manner.
2. You don't issue a statement about firing an actor by talking about all the actors EXCEPT THE ONE YOU FIRED!
3. If there were problems on the set and that is the reason she was let go, then just say, "Great actor, going in another direction." You had much nicer things to say about Isiah Washington and he said 'faggot' on live TV. Brooke Smith deserved better.
4. This show has been on a one-way slide to shitsville since you got greedy and tried to helm 2 primetime hour-long dramas. Well congratulations you're now responsible for two crap hours of tv a week instead of one good one.
5. Burke and Hahn were great characters. You almost lost me after Burke left but I stuck around because shows need loud-mouthed flawed female characters like Hahn. But you saddled her with a lesbian storyline that had no support from network brass and then don't even acknowledge her last episode? You could have done better with this one.
6. What's left? More of the same. Way to build on a mis-guided, boring season four with a gutless, disappointing start to season five.
7. If you make me hate Christina, I will write you hate mail for real.
8. Seriously!
Sometimes these monologues can sound so trite but she pulled it off so well. "I'm so so so gay! I am extremely gay." This woman is having a freakin' life-altering epiphany and they aren't going to dignify her character with an ending?
I'm so pissed I could spit nails right now. I knew this was going to be a disappointing TV season with the dearth of interesting new shows this year. But now we have to contend with the decent programs (making a valiant effort at a comeback, btw) basically lays a big turd on our collective faces.
Shonda Rhimes issued this statement:
"Brooke Smith was obviously not fired for playing a lesbian. Clearly it's not an issue as we have a lesbian character on the show – Calliope Torres. Sara Ramirez is an incredible comedic and dramatic actress and we wanted to be able to play up her magic. Unfortunately, we did not find that the magic and chemistry with Brooke's character would sustain in the long run. The impact of the Callie/Erica relationship will be felt and played out in a story for Callie. I believe it belittles the relationship to simply replace Erica with 'another lesbian.' If you'll remember, Cristina mourned the loss of Burke for a full season."
Dear Shonda Rhimes,
F*%k you and the gurney you road in on.
1. I would say that it neither "clear" nor "obvious" as to why this character was let go in such a disgraceful manner.
2. You don't issue a statement about firing an actor by talking about all the actors EXCEPT THE ONE YOU FIRED!
3. If there were problems on the set and that is the reason she was let go, then just say, "Great actor, going in another direction." You had much nicer things to say about Isiah Washington and he said 'faggot' on live TV. Brooke Smith deserved better.
4. This show has been on a one-way slide to shitsville since you got greedy and tried to helm 2 primetime hour-long dramas. Well congratulations you're now responsible for two crap hours of tv a week instead of one good one.
5. Burke and Hahn were great characters. You almost lost me after Burke left but I stuck around because shows need loud-mouthed flawed female characters like Hahn. But you saddled her with a lesbian storyline that had no support from network brass and then don't even acknowledge her last episode? You could have done better with this one.
6. What's left? More of the same. Way to build on a mis-guided, boring season four with a gutless, disappointing start to season five.
7. If you make me hate Christina, I will write you hate mail for real.
8. Seriously!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Dora on why flame-throwers are illegal
Day/Time:7:45am Saturday
Circumstances: Dora is sleep deprived, hung over and late for work. Oh and her car is still at the restaurant from last night.
Starbucks fucktard#1 : Can I help you?
me: yea, I'd like an oatmeal with nuts and berries, a tall dark roast and the globe and mail.
SF1: here's your nutbar.
me: no, try again.
SF1: excuse me?
me: i didn't order that. I'd like an oatmeal...don't forget the berries and nuts.
SF2: [shouts off into the distance] I need an Oatmeal with berries?
me: [getting ready to pull out my shiv] BERRIES AND NUTS!
SF#1: Just berries?
me: are you playing with me? Because this really isn't a great morning for games!
SF#1: oh. ok. That'll be $3.56.
me: for coffee, the paper and the oatmeal?
SF#1: oh you want coffee?
me: IS THIS NOT STARBUCKS?!
SF: $5.17
me: here.
SF: Here's your oatmeal. Anything else.
me: nope...JUST MY FUCKING COFFEE!!!!!
[and the desire to see your lifeless body dangling over the fiery pits of hell.]
Circumstances: Dora is sleep deprived, hung over and late for work. Oh and her car is still at the restaurant from last night.
Starbucks fucktard#1 : Can I help you?
me: yea, I'd like an oatmeal with nuts and berries, a tall dark roast and the globe and mail.
SF1: here's your nutbar.
me: no, try again.
SF1: excuse me?
me: i didn't order that. I'd like an oatmeal...don't forget the berries and nuts.
SF2: [shouts off into the distance] I need an Oatmeal with berries?
me: [getting ready to pull out my shiv] BERRIES AND NUTS!
SF#1: Just berries?
me: are you playing with me? Because this really isn't a great morning for games!
SF#1: oh. ok. That'll be $3.56.
me: for coffee, the paper and the oatmeal?
SF#1: oh you want coffee?
me: IS THIS NOT STARBUCKS?!
SF: $5.17
me: here.
SF: Here's your oatmeal. Anything else.
me: nope...JUST MY FUCKING COFFEE!!!!!
[and the desire to see your lifeless body dangling over the fiery pits of hell.]
Thursday, October 2, 2008
My therapist says
I need to learn empathy for others.
I have empathy for people I like, my family, and old people who don't speak.
But who really gives a shit about strangers.
Apparently not me.
I have empathy for people I like, my family, and old people who don't speak.
But who really gives a shit about strangers.
Apparently not me.
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